The Cricketing News



We Mystics are told very loudly and often, to lift up our hearts.
We Mystics are told good humour will soften fate's cruellest darts.
So, however bad our cricketing troubles may be,
We just shake with amusement and sing with glee . . .

I
Hey, ho! Tai Wai's run out again;
Adrian's batting is riddled with doubt again.
Everyone's gay because dear little Freddie
Refused to bowl straight 'cos he'd just lost his teddy.
We're so glad we lost near Pitlochry full
Of bowling and fielding that was rather apochryphal.
When we fell in the river, developed a shiver,
And all ended up with the 'flu.

II
We're astounded: Ollie only scored 1,
And Peter was out for a duck.
We're dumbfounded: done in by Dunfermline
We don't seem to have any luck.
Hoo-ray! Talia's got bigger,
And has to be moved with a tractor or digger.
She thinks Mothercare's heaven
And Deke bats eleven,
And that is the cricketing news.

III
What fun! Windy keeps snoring.
We wish Ernie's cricket were a little less boring.
His bride's had enough of his lifeless performance
She's gone to Utah with polygamous Mormons.
Don't laugh: poor sweet Amanda's
Been locked up in jail for giving backhanders,
To opposing players so they wouldn't slay us
And give Doctor Matravers the blues.

IV
We're in clover: Kevin Barron's been bowling
And Breadalbane's run up a score.
In one over he gave 36 runs away:
4 sixes, 8 wides and a four.
Three cheers! Prof Thomson's missus
Tried to cut off all his fingers with scissors.
Now he's only got seven,
And Deke bats eleven,
And that is the cricketing news.

V
How grand! isn't it Mystic,
Annie and Kate have gone quite ballistic
While out on a manhunt in old Yetts-O-Muckhart
They drank 16 gins and threw up in a bucket.
God bless! Naomi's gone quiet,
Since being bailed for inciting a riot,
And similarly Donna, who was seen egging-on-her,
And is blaming it all on the booze.

VI
We're delighted that the traffic police
Have decided to charge Duncan Chave.
We're excited: Bryan's injured his arm,
And is sadly unable to wave.
Good egg! Sid's got some runs again,
All of them coming in extras and ones again;
Now he's scored seven
And Deke bats eleven,
And that is the cricketing news.

VII
Hey ho! Hey diddle diddle!
Jim spent two hours out in the middle.
He played the first ten overs forward defensively,
Then swung his bat and was bowled comprehensively.
Oh, my! isn't it fearful?
Despite all the beer, Grumpy's still no more cheerful.
Last night in the bar, he sat on his guitar,
And his G-string caused quite a bruise.

VIII
We've been beaten by Clackmannan County,
Contango's run up a score.
There's no heatin' in the school and Jim's auntie
Burned down the assembly hall.
Hey ho! we're in disarray again.
Ern's broken down and has called the AA again.
Now we'll go back to Devon,
Once Deke's batted eleven,
And that's the touristical,
The Magical, Mystical,
That is the cricketing news.

Adrian Borley



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