Mystics' Play Handles Largo

Mystics versus Largo, 3rd August 2000

Compiled from a collection of press cuttings by Adrian Borley

FINANCIAL TIMES - Analysts Surprised by First Quarter Results from Mystics and Magicians.
In a key move the President of M+M Inc. today showed a straight bat amid rumours of a hostile bid to remove him from his role in the middle of the business. There was some positive movement at the start of the day, with Healey and Cook opening the E.G.M. with an upbeat trading statement which saw early gains on the run market. The Chairman had indicated confidence in the latest Mystics enterprise North of the Border by de-mutualising the batting order, but after a period of steady dealing by Ali, Hobday and Seath, during which Cook and then Dudbridge Jr were forced to leave their positions on the board, there were signs of a bounceback later thanks to a public issue of runs brokered by Pope and Chave, and trading closed at 214 for 4. There is every indication that their aggressive policy will provide a dividend for patient investors. FT recommendation: hold.

From I to LX by Neil Pope

One, four, four, one,
One, four, one, four,
One, one, four, four,
One, four,

One, one, four, one.
Four, four,

DAILY MAIL - We tell the Mystics : KEEP THE POUND.
The Daily Mail has exclusively intervened in the row over whether to hang on to the surplus after-match fines money, or squander it yet again on another evening of drink at the local pub.
Not since the campaign to bring back hanging, have honest and hard-working readers and their supportive wives been so reviled by the drift in moral standards that these rural layabouts typify.
Whilst this Back to Basics debate raged, Middle England was trying to come to terms yesterday with how the Mystics innings would affect the Government's drive to bring family values back into Britains vast heritage of rural traditions such as foxhunting, which risk being squeezed out of school curriculums by the Blairite tendency to urbanisation. Not since the days of Mrs Thatcher, the last Prime Minister to run the country properly (apart from John Major, who was actually quite good now we come to think about it, though not as good as Moseley would have been) has the on-field performance of a cricket team been quite so closely scrutinised by the power brokers of Westminster.
Rumours in Whitehall that 214 from 40 overs would not be enough to stop the newly devoluted Largo team from gaining a second victory against the Mystics seemed justified when Tocher and Lockie started solidly on their home ground. Echoes of Lockie's 50 in 1998 could still be heard until Jim Thomson broke through in the first over of his spell, signalling the Scots would face an uphill battle at the polls.

FRANKFURTER ALLGEMEINE - Hardworkingmysticstacticiancaptain Sharland rejoices at Mystic victory over Largo.
After bowling the Cricket Union of Largo team for just 133 runs yesterday afternoon out, the reliablerunmakingmachine Martin Sharland on his teammates plenty of praise heaped.
"It was clear that," said he, "I enough bowling up my sleeve within the allotted overs the historicrevengeseekingvictory to secure away stored had have should."

DAILY TELEGRAPH - High Level Inquiry Sought into Possible Maladministration of Mystic Bowling.
Lord Melchett of Trumpton announced yesterday that he is to thoroughly investigate the possible involvement of MI5 in the Largo reply during the Mystics cricket inquest. In a written statement to the Lords by Jim Thomson (not) The Bishop of Bath and Wells, it was made clear that any similarity between the Mystics and Magicians and a highly organised fielding side during their dismissal of Largo for 133 was entirely co-incidental. Certain elements of the Armed Forces, particularly those regiments that served in the Golf War, were expressing their disquiet at 3 pairs of maidens bowled by Thomson, Squire (both included wicket maidens) and Dudbridge. "When I was at Sandhurst with the Duke of Dunsford," commented one retired Colonel, "every cadet knew that protocol forbade bowling so tightly whilst the enemy line was chasing a good total. As for Chave finishing with 2 for 1: well that was almost a Court Martial offence in the Days of the Empire. " Sir Sean Connery and The Home Secretary were unavailable for comment.

TV TIMES - The Cricket Channel Listings, Thursday 3rd August 2000
08.00 Healey Hands - Start the day in healthy shape with Chris Healey's reliable opening workout. (Not to be tried at home)
09.00 Ready Steady Cook - Young impresario Matthew serves up a mouthwatering best ever 48 using the barest of ingredients.
10.00 Open University - Dr Matravers attempts to define the new Harry Potter using the latest editon of Wisden, whilst a batsman attempts to re-define Dr Matravers head using a cricket ball smote from the crease.
12.00 Pope's visit to Scotland - The Pope hits out at his Scottish hosts (Subtitles on Ceefax in 83 languages).
14.00 Neighbours - Skipper Sharlene allows Dunc the opportunity to put some runs on the board. Joey and Annie are torn between watching their blokes try and lead the Mystics to another victory in the local cricketing compo and going into the warm for a tinnie, while Chloe and Fraser have their minds firmly fixed on the Erinsville Pub Quiz.
14.30 The North Bank (of the Firth) Show - As Kevin Barron wins Mystic Moment just for being Sir Melvyn asks : Legend or Leg End?
16.00 Right to Reply - Largo respond to 214 for 4 from 40 overs.
18.00 HOW?! - How does Jimbo recover to take 1 for 2 from the first 4 overs?
19.30 Changing Teams - The makeover show has the Mystics given the difficult task of converting a hapless 11 Devon tourists into something resembling a cricket team using only vegetarian fry-ups and a village hall in Blebo Craigs.
21.00 Who Wants to Be A Millionaire - Including an obvious philosophy question given to the Mystic Philosopher, and an Australian fauna question for the Aussie pro. Surely they won't go away emptyhanded?
22.00 The Clem Daniels Magic Show - It's a spoon! Or is it?
23.00 Newsnight - high-level reaction to Matt's abuse of Largo's man of the match tankard. Jeremy Paxman asks (sneeringly) whether this is symptomatic of the malaise in British youth.

Posh 'n' Becks saw Cricket Stars in Gazza - style Jock booze up.
Soccer ace Gazza was trying to play down his part in the bawdy antics of some of Mystics stars in a nightclub drink and drugs session. The cheeky Geordie World Cup star's celeb antics are thought to have prompted the after-hours mixed-sex romp in sleepy Lower Largo. Most of the bizarrely named Mystics and Magicians, probably a reference to their cult origins, were being quizzed by agitated tartan locals late into the night. All the while drugs such as nicotine and alcohol were being openly gorged by the band of Devon yokels, who included Posh'n'Becks lookalikes Deke'n'Amanda. Scotty McScotty said, "It was mayhem. Can I have my money now?"

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